I'm a good mood, you know why?

Well I am in an extremely good mood because, MY BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO COME DOWN FOR WINTER BREAK!!! WHHHHHOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, but I am just Über spazzed about that. Even though currently I am sick as hell (developed a cold...) I am in a extremely good mood.

Some lyrics that I like...

Well I recently downloaded a song by "As I lay Dying, The Darkest Nights" and I really, really, really like the lyrics. They just apply to my life in many ways.

For so long I have felt alone
Content to live with unrest
Longing faded into countless nights
That buried my weary heart
But You brought an end
To this dead hour
And meaning to a calloused life
Held in Your arms
But too far from my heart
These thoughts will carry me through
The darkest nights
While Your eyes rest in mine
I remember the way You looked at me
And the way You Drew me close
With one deep sigh
Scattering pieces of my restless mind
Forgetting all that we have left behind 

What defines a genius from a madman?

Well what does the general population think, what defines a genius from a madman? In my view, not much at all. All of the intelligent people who I have personally met, are on the edge of insanity (me included) throughout history, all of the people who have been deemed smart are people who think on the bleeding edge of what is right from wrong. It is those people who make a difference; it's those people who are willing to cross the social, political, religiously, and sometimes moral boundaries. They cross those boundaries without hesitation, and they see what is on the other side. After seeing what is on the other side, they put into action what they saw. More or less, it works, and sometimes it does not.

When that day comes...

When that day comes, the day that I depart from being a teenager, to becoming a full fledged adult, I will be ready for it. As that day of passing creeps closer, I am not standing alone. I have someone who I trust, who I love, and who I want to be with from that day forward. Every single moment that I think about my mate, I find myself again ever more longing to be with him. I know when we meet the first time in person, I know that the relationship will work; I am 99.99999% sure about it. When he first steps foot into this house of mine, it will be a new beginning for him and I, it will be a new start for the both of us. From that moment on, that will be the beginning of a new chapter of our lives, and a start of a novel of our lives, yet to be written.

As soon as I leave my house to go live out my days with my boyfriend, and as soon as we together step into the house or apartment that we have at that time. That will be the happiest moment of my life for many, many, many years to come.

Picture time!!

Well I decided to post some pictures of me from back then (when I was 9 years old) to now (17 years old). So here ya go!

Pretty drastic change huh?

Sleep is hard to come by...

This mythical beast that we call "sleep" proves itself extremely elusive to me tonight. I sit here on top of my bed, covered in my blankets, along with a shirt, shorts, and socks. Blankly staring at my ceiling, watching the somehow hypnotic, mind numbing ceiling fan of mine turn about. As I sit here thinking about nothing, a thought finally comes into mind. That thought was how much I want an Xbox 360, and what game I would get for it. There is one thing that I want more than anything else in the world though, that thing (well a person in this case) would be my boyfriend, Fernin. Even though I have said this before, I want nothing more than just to be with him, to spend my time with him, and to spend my life with him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, and how much I love him. Even as I sit here on my bed 1200 miles away from him, and not having even met him in person yet. I know that I truly love him; there is a bond that I feel so deeply, a bond that has every fiber of my heart and soul wanting to be with him. To others who doubt that our relationship will still be the same after we meet in real life, those people are so very wrong. I know that we are meant to be together, I know 150% that I want to spend my life with him, and I know that once I take my shot at that one chance in life to get it right, I will hit that seemingly invisible target of life. He will be there by my side every single step of the way, as I will be his side every step of the way too. Already I find my very fibers of my heart and soul entwined with his, already I find myself wanting more and more to be with him. It annoys me that I can't just drive over there and pick him up and bring him into my life. I am pretty damn sure that he wants that too, but I just don’t have the resources to do that right now.


Sorry if I seem that I am just rambling on and on, but as I try to put how much I long to be with my boyfriend into words, the words just keep flowing and flowing, in an unstoppable torrent of words. As I sit here, I fail to find words to try and forum how much I love this other soul.

Something extremely cool

I found this website that helps you find stuff that you like to listen too, me for instance. I tend to listen to anything dark and grungey with a good beat, you too can listen to what I listen to by clicking here

http://www.pandora.com/?sc=sh1899964 its just extremely cool. Best of all, ITS FREE!

Why is boredom so terrible?

I sit here in front of my computer bored as hell with nothing to do. I generally like the weekends and such, but they are just sooo boring with nothing to do besides sit in front of my computer talking to my boyfriend. That is another thing that gets me down too, just being so far away from him, it’s extremely annoying, and depressing. I just want to be with him, the love of my life. Even if it was just sitting together watching TV or any other activity, with him those activities would be infinitely better. Heck, writing this blog would be better in untold amounts with him sitting on my bed behind me, just chilling there. Basically what I am trying to say is, that he is the only person that would make me whole in life, he is the only person that I know would stand beside me when I need him the most, and he is the only person that I want to spend my wakening hours with. If he was here, sitting behind me right now, within arms reach. That would make life for me better on so many ways, ways that words cannot to me justice.

If you had one shot to get it right…

If you had one shot to get everything that you wanted and needed in life, would you take it? This one shot defining the way you live out the rest of your days, this one shot that could either make it all or take it all away. I find myself in this particular situation, I see that one shot that I could take, that one target that I have been setting up to hit all of my life. Yet I hesitate to take that shot now, I hesitate because I am afraid, I am afraid to take that huge gamble with my life. It is a gamble that I am not willing to take right at this moment, but anytime soon I will be. I sit there with the gun we call life, and the bullet I call my life, aiming at the target that is my goal in life. I sit there on that shooting bench, my heart racing to an ever increasing rate, my aim turns unsteady, my respiration rapidly increases. Yet there is someone beside me to help me though that one shot that I have, that person would be my boyfriend, and my mate in life. He sits beside me, as I sat beside him along the rough times of his life. As he went through this tough time of his life, I was standing right there beside him, a never failing companion, and mate.

We find ourselves both in the same situation, the situation where we both have one shot to get it right, and we both sit side by side, our rifles at the ready, aiming at our goals which happens to be the same exact target. Yet we both hesitate, we both hesitate because our aim is not steady, our hands slick with sweat, our muscles shaking unwillingly, making our aim untrue. So we take a break form this immense task that lies before us, and spend our time together, reassuring ourselves that we can both take this one shot at life. I know that me and him are ready to take this shot soon, but deep in my heart I am scared, and I am pretty sure that he is scared too. If we are together, we can both conquer this huge wall of fear that lies before us together.

Rage against someone with out meeting them? I’m very close to it...

Well, as I learn about what happened over at my boyfriends place. It just continues to fill me with disgust and rage; it sickens me to think that someone would actually have the nerve to judge me without even meeting me. I MEAN COME THE FU*K ON! IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE THAT IGNORANT AND CLOSED THEY DO NOT EVEN DESERVE MY TIME! If one is going to make accusations against me, at least HAVE YOUR FACT STRIGHT! If someone has that much distaste for me, at least talk to me so I can see what your disagreement with me is!

I’m sorry but I am just so pissed off at myself for not being able to be there for him when he needs it the most. All I can do is just sit here 1200+ miles away, pushing little keys to tell him how I cannot help him at the moment. IT DRIVES ME INSANE! I am almost to the point where I will go over there and get him myself on my own two feet. I would not care how long it would take me; I would get there eventually and just take him back along with me. Just right now I am filled with so many emotions at once it is hard what to think right now, I feel helpless because I can’t help the person I love so dearly, I feel angry because of what other people think of me, and I feel an intense love for him. He is just so close, yet so far. It drives me to the brink of insanity.

I do know that he can hold on for a little longer, at least until spring break. Even though I am not there personally to experience what he is going through, I feel it in a different way. Whenever something bad goes on over at his place 1200 miles away, I feel a strange feeling on the back of my neck and I get all depressed. That is basically what I am feeling now, I know something is happening over there, but there is no way for me to tell what is going on. It is impossible for me not to care about him, and what is going on. Not when he is the thing I treasure most in life, not when he is the very soul that drives me on, not when he is the one and only person that I long to be with until my dying day.

Some rap that I actually like (a rare thing indeed)

Well, today I came across some rap that I actually like. It's done my Eminem, and there are two song's of his that I like in particular. "Like Toy Soldiers" and "Mosh", what makes me like those two songs is what he talks about in the songs. He almost nails everything that is wrong in this society and government today. Basically you have to read the lyrics for yourselves, so here they are.

"Like Toy Soldiers"

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down...

[Chorus]
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

[Verse 1]
I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it
Even if it means goin' toe to toe with a Benzino it don't matter
I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to
I'm supposed to set an example
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em
If some shit ever just pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em
That Ja shit I tried to squash it, it was too late to stop it
There's a certain line you just don't cross and he crossed it
I heard him say Hailie's name on a song and I just lost it
It was crazy, this shit be way beyond some Jay-z and Nas shit
And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
This ain't what I'm in hip-hop for, it's not why I got in it
That was never my object for someone to get killed
Why would I wanna destroy something I help build
It wasn't my intentions, my intentions was good
I went through my whole career without ever mentionin' Suge
Now it's just out of respect for not runnin' my mouth
And talkin' about something that I knew nothing about
Plus Dre told me stay out, this just wasn't my beef
So I did, I just fell back, watched and gritted my teeth
While he's all over t.v. down talkin' a man who literally saved my life
Like fuck it i understand this is business
And this shit just isn't none of my business
But still knowin' this shit could pop off at any minute cuz

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
There used to be a time when you could just say a rhyme
And wouldn't have to worry about one of your people dyin'
But now it's elevated cuz once you put someone's kids in it
The shit gets escalated, it ain't just words no more is it?
It's a different ball game, callin' names and you ain't just rappin'
We actually tried to stop the 50 and Ja beef from happenin'
Me and Dre had sat with him, kicked it and had a chat with him
And asked him not to start it he wasn't gonna go after him
Until Ja started yappin' in magazines how we stabbed him
Fuck it 50 smash 'em, mash 'em and let him have it
Meanwhile my attention is pullin' in other directions
Some receptionist at The Source who answers phones at his desk
Has an erection for me and thinks that I'll be his ressurection
Tries to blow the dust off his mic and make a new record
But now he's fucked the game up cuz one of the ways I came up
Was through that publication the same one that made me famous
Now the owner of it has got a grudge against me for nothin'
Well fuck it, that motherfucker can get it too, fuck him then
But I'm so busy being pissed off I don't stop to think
That we just inherited 50's beef with Murder Inc.
And he's inherited mine which is fine ain't like either of us mind
We still have soldiers that's on the front line
That's willing to die for us as soon as we give the orders
Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us
We'll maybe shout 'em out in a rap or up in a chorus
To show them we love 'em back and let 'em know how important it is
To have Runyan Avenue, soldiers up in our corners
Their loyalty to us is worth more than any award is
But I ain't tryna have none of my people hurt and murdered
It ain't worth it, I can't think of a perfecter way to word it
Then to just say that I love ya'll too much to see the verdict
I'll walk away from it all before I let it go any further
But don't get it twisted, it's not a plea that I'm coppin'
I'm just willin' to be the bigger man
If ya'll can quit poppin' off at your jaws with the knockin'
Cuz frankly I'm sick of talkin'
I'm not gonna let someone elses coffin rest on my conscience cuz

"Mosh"

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic for which it stands
One nation under God
Indivisible...
It feels so good to be back..

I scrutinize every word, memorize every line
I spit it once, refuel and re-energize and rewind
I give sight to the blind, my insight through the mind
I exercise my right to express when I feel it's time
It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as
I say to fight, you take it as I'mma whip someone's ass
If you don't understand, don't even bother to ask
A father who has grown up with a fatherless past
Who has blown up now to rap phenomenon that has
Or at least shows no difficulty multi-task
And in juggling both perhaps mastered his craft
Slash entrepreneur who has helped launch a few more rap acts
Who's had a few obstacles thrown his way through the last half
Of his career typical manure moving past that
Mr. kisses ass crack, he's a class act
Rubber band man, yea he just snaps back

[Chorus:]
Come along follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength
Come with me and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
To the light at the end of the tunnel
We gonna fight, we gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march
Through the swamp, we gonna mosh through the marsh
Take us right through the doors (c'mon)

All the people up top on the side and the middle
Come together lets all bomb and swamp just a little
Just let it gradually build from the front to the back
All you can see is a sea of people some white and some black
Don't matter what color, all that matters we gathered together
To celebrate for the same cause don't matter the weather
If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us they can't, we stronger now more than ever
They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know
Stomp, push, shove, mush, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home (c'mon)

[Chorus]

Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us
Mosh pits outside the oval office
Someone's tryina tell us something,
Maybe this is god just sayin' we're responsible
For this monster, this coward,
That we have empowered
This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin'
How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists
Now this is our final hour
Let me be the voice in your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply by six...
Teen million people, Are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach alqueda through my speech
Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal
If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes its all lies
The stars and stripes, they've been swiped, washed out and wiped
And replaced with his own face, Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you know why,
Cause I told you to fight.

[Chorus]

And as we proceed,
To Mosh through this desert storm,
In these closing statements, if they should argue
Let us beg to differ
As we set aside our differences
And assemble our own army
To disarm this Weapon of Mass Destruction
That we call our President, for the present
And Mosh for the future of our next generation
To speak and be heard
Mr. President, Mr. Senator
Do you guy's hear us...hear us...[laughing] (Hailie)

Just the way he raps this too is what hooks me on them too. Again, this is rap that I actually like which is a very, very, very rare thing indeed...

An amuseing stereotype today...

Well, another peer in my class today asked if I was in a gang or something similar because I wear all black all of the time. After she asked that I was sitting there staring at her and replied "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?! Even though I wear all black, that should not imply that I am in a gang!" I was a little upset at the comment that she made, but it was just extremely amusing none the less. It just surprises me at the typical stereotype that Goths come across, like "Goths are santanical worshipers!" or "They think weird". Well one can totally dismiss the first stereotype because that is just total bullshit, the second one on the other hand though is totally true. That is why I declared myself Goth in the first place, Goths are not afraid at all to talk about "taboo" things in this world. Along with being not afraid to open up to their own kind.

My boyfriend pointed me towards this wonderful site called goth.net
so if you are wondering what Goth is, just venture over to that side and you will be enlightened about the Goth lifestyle.