ARG!!!

Damn, I love the xbox 360 and all, but when it messes up. It does it freaking HARDCORE! *Sigh* Apparently the graphics chip took a dump on me. So I had to call one eight hundred for my xbox and order the cardboard coffin >.<. Thankfully, M$ has really gotten their stuff together and they now have one kick ass repair operation. Granted its not as fast as I like it, but I am not complaining because my xbox is still under warranty. So repairs are free! Now I just have to find another way to amsue myself over the month until I get it back... damn. Oh well.

My last day.

Today is my last day in California. The whole day felt really strange; me knowing that today is my last day here is somewhat unsettling. I have not slept well, along with not eating much because I am pretty stressed. Not at the fact of the actual move, its at the fact that I will be on my own for now on.

"Having confidence in yourself is the key to success" I've heard that from countless people. Ranging from family members, strangers and friends. Right now I have a huge amount of self-confidence, I am proud of myself for taking this first step into the rest of my life. Granted its an absolutely huge step forward, its a step none-the-less.

When I get there, I am pretty sure that things will work out. Right now it's a game of "wait and see".

Well, to all of the people who read this. Wish me luck, because I am going to need it.

Progress!

Here is my progress as of late.

• Put in my transfer for the Radioshack up in Washington
• Gathered some boxes for packing and shipping
• Got my Jeep running! YAY!
• In progress of installing new gauge cluster
• In progress of saving money

There are 13 days left until I move, I just hope that the move goes smoothly. When I get there initially, Ill be living in a glorified Astro-van motor home. Hey, I am not complaining. Its still a roof over my head, and it's still a place to call "Home". To tell you the truth, I am extremely nervous at this whole thing. I feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach as I type about it. There are just so many things that we have to do on our own now, it's going to take some getting used to. The good thing is though, the family that I'll be living with I get along with them extremely well. So I highly doubt that there will be compatibility issues between them and I.

As I sit here, I can't help but think of the possibilities that my mate and I will have together. Yes, I know. There are going to be times that we are going to get on each others bad side, but what relationship is absolutely perfect? Not a single one. There are still things that we need to learn about each other. Basically I just have to get used to sleeping with another person in my bed. It's still a whole new experience for me.

Another thing that I am going to miss out on is building up my AR-15 rifle. A while back my father bought a few frames for himself, my brother and I. They both have built up their's but I have yet to complete mine. Time and money constraints prevent me from completing mine. It would just be a moot point to complete mine at this time. Currently there is no way to ship it up to me so I can't take it with me when I move, so he will have to drive up there and deliver it to me personally when he drives my Jeep up there.

That about does it for this post, I need to take a shower and such. So goodnight all.

-Mitchell Alexander Taylor.

Round three of "damn its been a long time"

Here goes round three of "Damn its been a long time!"

Well, it has been a long time since I have last posted in my blog. Honestly, I actually forgot I had one until a friend stumbled upon it. There has been some major changes since I have last posted on here. For one, my boyfriend had to move out due to compatibility issues with my own kin. Second, I am moving up to Washington state to live with my mate's family. Third, I got Jeep running finally! *Does a round of appaluse for himself* It is a somewhat moot point though since I am not going to drive the Jeep up there. Gas alone would be over 400$! Then you have to account in insurance, maintence, and various other things that need to be fixed on the thing. So I just saved myself the trouble and bought a plane ticket for 140$. Fear not though! I am not giving up on my vehicle! I've fought long and hard for that thing and I don't plan on giving up on it anytime soon.


Overall though, I have been doing fairly good. I'm doing alright at Radioshack, albeit from almost strangling a few customers from pure frustration. It's been doing pretty good. What I have planned is that I am going to transfer up to the store in Washington close to my future locale, and theres a plus too. It's a mall store. Mall+store+me= More money for me, hopefully. I may only be able to get a part time job there but still, hey it's a job.

I must bid all my readers goodbye for now because the rather nasty cut on my thumb has started to sting from all of the sweat getting into the wound.

Later all, peace out.


"A Hero Need Not Speak, For When He Is Gone. The World Will Speak For Him" -Halo 3

Damn its been a long time...

I can't even begin how to describe how things have changed since my last post on October 4th, 06. It's been over a year since I have last posted here. Here's just a small glimpse of how my life has changed so far.

For one, I have obtained myself a job at Radioshack. It's great and all, the job does have its fun moments. Unfortineately most of the time though it is beyond dead there. Dead in the aspect of very little business. Just standing there waiting for someone to come in sometimes for hours is just "meh" ya know? When someone does finally come in there either just looking or have some dumbass problem that they are too mentally challenged to fix their selfs. I mean, some of the stupid stuff I have come across is just beyond stupid. It scoots right on past it, but enough of me bitching about the bad aspect of my job. I need to get onto the other ways my life has changed.

The second way my life has changed is that my boyfriend (Yes, I am homosexual) has finally moved in with me, but everything has not not gone to plan. Some stuff he royally screwed up on, but aside from those screw ups. I still have something, well actually someone to look foward to when I come home every day. I love my wuffie(We are both furries, he is a wolf and I am a Snow Leopard) to death, even though we get on each others nerves from time to time. What couple does not? We both have some issues to smooth out, but I have my claws crossed that everything works out... ( I would do anything to make this work, even pray to god if there is one... I am that desperate for this to work out)

Well, that about covers it. I have my wolf here, and I am loving him every moment that we spend together, even if we are annoyed at each other from time to time I still love him with every part of my soul and being.

Holy shat, its been a long time...

Wow, its been a long time since I have actually posed on here. Well anyways, life so far has been pretty good. I graduated high school, going to college. Best of all; I am moving out by the end of this year! ^_^ My mate is finally coming "Home" It all seems like a dream right now though. Everything that I wanted is slowly falling into place. The major trigger of that event would be finally being with my mate... Ever since I met him in the real life. I could not stand being away from him. I wanted to be by his side forever, but alas. All good things must come to an end huh? The two times that I saw him were the greatest times of my life. When I was with him, I just felt "whole" like a peice of me was finally found set in its place.

Well anywho, I am about to pass out form sleepyness form my medication (Yay for benadryl!) so I must be heading to bed. To all good night and yiffy dreams!


"Hey kids! Yiff and roll. Shake hands with the yiffy and fill your hole!" << parody that I made up form a song ^_^

Hopefully, this works out...

Well, I applied for an auto mechanic job. At the same place that we got my mother's van fixed, so I am hopeing that I get this job. I despreately want my 0wn souce of income, its rather annoying to depend on my parents for stuff, I would much rather take that task into my own hands... plus I cant wait unitl I move out too, I need to get away from my parents.

The planned trip...

Well, if everything goes right. A trip to my boyfriends house will most likely happen around his birthday. I want to be there for his birthday, the thing is though. It is going to be soo hard to get back onto that plane to return home... I know though, we will be united again, we will have a home to call "ours" and a life to share wtih each other...

Title: I wish that there was someone

Title: I wish that there was someone

I wish there was someone

To hold me

I wish there was someone

To hold me

Comfort me

Love me

To feel it

To need it

To just feel like I want it

I know that there is someone

To hold me

I know that there is someone

To hold me

To love me

Protect me

I knew that there was someone

To hold me

I know that there is someone

To love me

I finally met someone

To hold me

To love me

Protect me

I finally met someone

To hold me

I finally have someone....

Life before I met the savior of my life was almost unbearable. It was getting to the point where, I just did not want to feel the pain anymore, I felt incognito in ways. It felt like I was useless; a thought that brought me pain every day that I was alive. I honestly thought there was no one to hold dear. I just wanted some one to hold me, and protect me. Fortunately, the savior of my life; the very person I call my boyfriend. Is my grip of reality, he was someone, someone to hold me. He was finally someone to love me.

Ever since to this day, I have never left his side, and we have already had hard times in our relationship together, there is no possible way to get around that. We stuck together, and we got through our ailing times. Basically, this is the way I see it. You have a problem, you deal with it, you learn from it, and you move along. The past may be hurtful to one's self, but the only way to prevail is just to move along. We all have to at one point, and if you dwell on your past too much, it will break you, and it will suffocate you to no end.

I take this day to remember the saddest moment.

January 4th: I wake up, drowsy, yet content. I knew I had the love of my life within arms reach; yet as I woke up, I was overcome with sorrow. This was the day that I had to depart with a part of my soul. As the day wore on, that ominous time drew closer and closer, along with my desperation to hold on to him. I simply did not want to let him go, I wanted to keep him within my embrace. Yet, I could not.

Six o’clock finally came by. So we had to set off to the Bart station that was our only mode of transportation at the time. The trip down do the greyhound station was bitter-sweet. We were glad that we actually had the chance to meet each other, along with enforcing each others love for each other. It was just the fact that he had to leave made it a really somber occasion.

We finally arrive at the greyhound station. Codi walks into the terminal to check-in his bags, and then we wait. The wait was the worst feeling of my life; I struggled to keep myself from breaking into tears. Then, the moment finally came; the bus finally arrived. I picked up his bags, and put them onto the bus for him, after I did that. I barely managed to flutter out "Goodbye babe, I love you" after I said that I gave him a long hug, and a kiss on the cheek. Before he could say anything, I quickly turned around and started walking, walking away from the love of my life.

I find myself yet again...

As I lie down upon my queen size bed, bundled up, alone. I find myself reaching for something, or in this case, someone, that is not there. I reach for him, only to open my eyes, to be greeted with the sight of nothing. Each time I lie my head down upon my pillow, I can feel him beside me. Yet, he is nowhere near me. Every time I venture out of my house, I feel him by my side, still. He is not there.

It is hard to describe how I feel, it’s very hard indeed. I just find myself reaching for something that I cannot have, at least at this very moment. I am sure that he is doing the same exact thing; I know that he too lies his head down. Upon his pillow, to reach for me, only for me not to be there. I cannot even start to describe how much I want to be there, with him, or him be here with me. Every time he goes to bed, even though he is countless miles away from me. I can feel him reaching for me, and I am sure that he can feel me reaching for him.

Ever since that day, the day which I embraced him the very fist time. I knew that this was meant to be. All that I long is for him to be with me. I wish I could be with him, every second of my life.

Everything is going, ok....

Well, currently. Everything is well, sort of... The only thing that is majorly bugging me now is just the longing, the longing to be with my mate. I want to be with him so much, it hurts. As I said before, all I want to be is with him, no matter what.

Just feeling down...

Lately, I have been feeling down. A little depressed in ways; make that really depressed. Ever since I got the chance to see the love of my life, him being everything and more that I expected. It is even harder to cope with being apart. Every night I go to bed, I sit there staring up at my roof, thinking madly about him. Looking to my side, and seeing nothing there, it is just so depressing. Almost every night is a battle to get myself to sleep; I am forced into putting myself into a "Chemical coma" of sorts. Four 25 mg benadryl, and two 3mg melatonin is what it takes to put me out. It is tiring, and annoying. When he was here, I did not have to take any type of drug to lull myself to sleep. Just the fact that he was in arms reach was more than enough to get me to sleep. Now though, since he is gone again. Sleep has proven extremely elusive. Whenever I lay my head down to rest, I start thinking madly about him; my mind starts thinking at a pace that I cannot even keep. Well, it just proves how much I am in love with him, and it will make our relationship all the more better. I know it will.

Another set of lyrics

Title: A chemical Coma

Medicine to make me sleep

A chemical coma

Unnatural sleep

Concerns torment me

They disturb my slumber

They prevent the restful sleep

Another pill

Another night

Another concern

A chemical coma

Manufactured sleep

Mind numb

Something induced

Intoxicated

Yet, slumber still evades me

Mind ablaze

With concern

About loved ones

About other people

Wanting to help

Only to be in vein

No recourses

Not being able to help

Driving me insane

Just so far away

Yet so close

You see me now?

You see how I am?

Asleep

In a chemical coma

Asleep

In a chemical coma

Manmade sleep

Mind forced mute

Asleep

In a chemical coma

It all seems surreal...

All that has happened over the past month just seems so surreal. Meeting the love of my life made me realize, how much I could love him. The feelings that I have for him just pour out of me, they just keep coming and coming. In a non-stop torrent of feelings. When I actually got the chance to hold him in my arms, there was a feeling that I have never felt before. It felt like; I was actually whole again. I was so calm, content, and madly in love with him. I still love him madly, and I long to be with him still. This still all feels like a dream, a very real one at that, it feels like at any moment I will wake up and all of this will come to an end. I have to remind myself that this actually happened, that this is actually reality, and my dreams are coming true.

The best week ever....

All I have to say is just wow.... This past week has been just, beyond words good. Nothing could absolutely top the way I felt when he was here, nor could anything hurt as much when he had to leave. The week that I spent with my boyfriend made the love that I feel for him all the stronger, assuring the fact that this is absolutely meant to be.

When I took him to the greyhound station for his trip back home, I could have not imagined how much it would hurt for him to embark back to his place of origin. It felt like someone ripped out a part of me, leaving a large void in place. I did not want to let him go, I wanted him to stay, I wanted to hold him in my arms keeping him safe.

Hopefully next time, he will be coming home to me though. By that time I will hopefully have a place of my own, and it will just get better from that point on.


Well to all who read this, take care. From one bummed-out snow leopard, Owens.

WOOT!!! HE IS HERE!!

Well the hour has finally come at last! HE IS HERE! He is everything and more than I expected him to be. It all still seems so surreal; it is almost like a dream. Its reality though, and it is kick freaking ass! I love it and him even more... there is just so much to say. Nothing in the English lexicon can describe how I can feel. I just truly love him, forever.

The hours tick by now...

The hours just tick by, till the time my boyfriend finally arrives. This all still feels like just a dream, it’s hard to believe, everything seems so surreal. It is reality though; I have to pound that fact into my head, yet it still feels like a dream. I find myself not feeling nervous, it troubles me. Should I feel nervous, should I feel scared? I have no clue. I still can’t believe that this is happening, that this is for real. The fact that I am going to meet the true love of my life still boggles my mind. It is hard to process; it leaves my mind agog with endless thoughts, and endless fears. What if we don’t hook up? What if this is too good to be true? It just scares me, but I still press on. I can never know if this is meant to me if I do not try. So I will stand proudly against the harsh, bitter winds of fate, and wait for what it has in store for me.

Blah, boored again... *sigh*

Well, as useal. Boredom has set in. This is the thing I hate about summer and winter break, the boredom is terrible. I almost find myself back in the same spot as in last summer, it is almost that bad. One is my saveing grace though, my boyfriend. He has helped me so much, in so many ways. He has helped keep my saninty within reach (or what little is left of it, if any) Basically, he has helped me thoughout quite possibly the toughest time of my life. For that, I am forever grateful.

On another note, here is a random pome thing that I have wrote up.

Title: Tires screeching..

Turn the key
Feel the roar
Take the wheel
Mash the pedal
Tires screeching
Losing traction
Let off the gas
Get it back under control
Nervous
Palms sweaty
Knuckles white
Foot still on the pedal
Proceeding in life
Trying to keep it under control
Take the first turn
Slide off the track
Panic...
Fear...
Spinning out of control
Time of despair
Recover now
Get back on track
Accelerate
Take the second turn
Grace..
Perfect how you steer life
Knowledge
Take the line
The best you can
Tires still screeching
Still under control
Life is on track
Never stop
Never slow down
Do the best you can
Persistence...
Practice...
Experience...
The three keys to life
Listed right here.

I dunno, random poem time..

Title: The reason

Am I the reason you breathe?
Or am I the reason you cry?
A feeling ever swelling
It always being there
Longing...
All I hear is the sound of my mind
Seeking something
Never resting
No content
I did not know what to do
Ignorance...
Ever searching
For my minds content
Yet I found more than I need
Fate was on my side
Everything was happening
Blinding speed
The growing feeling
Growing ever more
Love
Replacing the old thoughts
Renewing my soul
The beginning
A gift that can not be stolen
Or given away
Love
The only thing I need
Nothing more, nothing less

The day looms ever closer!!!

Well, as the hours pass by now. I think about how glad I will be when I get to hold my boyfriend in my arms finally. That sense of longing finally going away, just finally being with him is all that I want.

Ill make sure to get some pictures of our ventures around Cali for you guys (well our ventures around the bay area is more like it)

Sixth round of lyrics

Well I decided to go a little dark on this set of lyrics, so here you go...

Title: For whom the bell tolls

On that day

Heart full of sorrow

Mind mute with despair

Everything was lost

I could not believe it

This shouldn’t have happened

Why did it happen?

What reason did you have?

To leave this earth

We were so happy

We were so content

What drove you to commit

Such a desperate act?

You didn’t think

How much it would hurt

How much it would hurt me

The only thing to look forward to in life

Now gone

Resting before me

With a dull, white, expressionless face

The look on your face, undecided

Just blank

Yet I still stand there

Asking why?

What did I do?

Why did it come to this?

I had no clue

I could not figure it out

It was just too late

I could not help

The felling of sorrow ever growing

My mind broken

Along with my heart

There was a bond in between us

That could not be broken

Yet it broke

Today though

I thank god for every day

That I get to spend with you

I thank him for preventing such an act

I foresee no reason for this to happen

There will never be a reason

To commit such a unreasonable act

Time and time again

We shall spend our days together

Me thinking of you

Over anything else in this world

Time and time again

I cant stop thinking about you

Time and time again

I know the only thing that I will ever want

Would just to be within arms reach

To embrace you into my arms

Securing my love

Tightly into my arms

To have someone else

With a shoulder to cry on

When I would need it

Just, if that one day came

That would be the only thing that would make me fall

Unrecoverable

I just would not know what to do

So I tightly hold you in my arms

Making sure that you are safe

Not letting go

Just afraid to let go

Afraid of losing the only thing I have to live for

I just wish that you could see

The amount of love that I have for you

Never dieing

Never fading

Just longing to be with you

Day by day.

Ah, setbacks, setbacks.....

Unfortineately due to an error on my end.... the day my boyfriend comes has been pushed to the 27th, and departing from my place Jan 4th. Its all good still though, afterall. The love of my life is coming finally, and the day that I can embrace him in my arms creeps ever closer. The day when I finally get to peer into his eyes, and he can peer into mine. When that moment happens, we will see the true love that we have for each other.

The Day Approaches!!

Well, the day finally is drawing closer and closer. The day that I can finally hold the love of my life in my arms, and just hold him in my embrace. That day at the time of this posting is 12 days away, or around 288 hours. I just hope that I live up to his expectations.

Fithth round of lyrics...

Whew, looks like I am on a roll now.... Sorry if I am annoying you readers out there, but there isint really anything else to post at the moment, so here ya go

Title: The Madman

The madman sitting in the corner

Mind adrift

His face expressionless

Unreadable

People pass him by

Confused

Expressions unchanging

He sits there

In his own little world

Thinking differently

Knowing that he was abnormal

Knowing that he was different

He rarely spoke

A single word

His mind struggling

To describe the chaos inside his head

A battle

Everlasting in his mind

Questioning his reality

Curiously peering into the unknown

The dust was slowly building upon the one

In the corner

Until he roused

He took a step

He used his voice

People passing by

Shocked by his face

Showing his emotion

Showing his ideas

They stared at him

Dumfounded

At his ideas

Paralyzed by the look in his eyes

So confident

So brave

You could see his soul

Ablaze through his eyes

He stood there

Proudly

Willingly

The world around him

Changing

Into something unknown

It was already better

His job never done

He was the voice of the weak

And the powerless

He stood up to whatever threatened them

He helped them whenever they needed him

Extending his hand to whoever needed it

Grasping their hand firmly

Giving them more than he could

Taking less than he needed

Wanting to help

Those in need

Just grateful

To be there in the time of need

But this has yet to be seen

For this man has not emerged yet

This man, still sitting in the corner

Expressionless

This madman in the corner

Being me

Fourth round of lyrics

This is the fourth set of lyrics that I have made, personally this sums up the way I felt before I met my wonderful boyfriend, that saved, and changed my life forever.

Title: The way I felt before

Just a broken man

There was no one that could understand

How I felt inside

Not my mother

Not my brother

Nor my father

Could understand

It bothered me

It disturbed me

The stress was ever building

Upon my chest, suffocating

It became unbearable

My family concerned

I had no way of letting it out

Stress becoming ever heavier

My knees buckling under the weight

It concerned me

It made me uneasy

It made me detached

Leaving me confused

The world just passing by

Without a second thought

The time just wasting away

Ever eroding

Ever decaying

Into nothing

I had no use for the time

I just sat there

My mind idle and mute

Inside my own little world

Rejecting reality

Substituting my own

The silence of my life

Making me deaf

Making me blind

I could not inhale

The toxic fumes building up

I could not exhale

No one to tell me why

I could beat this matter of fact

It didn’t feel like anything mattered

It did not feel that I could do anything about it

Tried medicine as a cure

For these headaches goring the inside of my head

My mind slowly degrading

Into nothing

I thought I was not going to get through this

Something saved me though

No, actually it was someone

Slowly I began to realize

That he was the savior of my life

I began to realize

That he was the love of my life

Not knowing what to do at first

I was hesitant

Not willing to take another step forward

Over time I began to build up courage

So on that day I took another step

It turned out to be a leap

My life changing

At an alarming rate

It was stressful

It was almost overwhelming

I got through it though

There was someone by my side

Even though I did not show these feelings on the outside

On the inside, the seams of my mind

Tearing apart, stitch by stitch

He mended those seams

Saving my sanity

Giving me hope

Something to look forward to

He was the same as me

On the inside

So lost

So lonely

That day we met

We saved each other

Mending each others seams

Repairing each others faults

One another, being there

Whenever needed

Few people had my trust

Few people had my faith

But, this other soul that I met

Now has my trust

He now has my faith

As the days went on

I took a silent oath

Never to leave my loves side

Until the bitter, or not so bitter end

I gave him my faith

Along with my trust

On that day we met

It all at once became clear

That this would go far

That this would work out

He took the stress

So I could inhale

Breathing in all that I could

Beginning to exhale

Repeating the cycle

All over again

On that day

Our paths entwined

My mind at rest

My soul at peace

Still today

We stand strong

Side by side

An invisible bond, holding us together

Never failing

Forever entwined

Just another scrape on the wall

We call life

Second and thrid round of lyrics

Hey people, greetings again from a non-sick Mitchell Alexander Taylor (A.k.A. Owens). The cold I had last week absolutely kicked my ass, but it did give me time to make up some rough lyrics, as you have seen in the previous post. So here is my second and third go around for ya guys, again they are inspired by the intense feelings that I feel for my mate. Fernin Ker.

Title: Empty

Something was missing

Something was wrong

These feelings I was dismissing

All along

I felt so empty

I felt so alone

I felt so cold

There was just nothing

To make me whole

Now that has changed

Ah, yes it has changed

I met the love

The love of my life

Nothing was missing

Nothing was wrong

I wasn’t empty

I wasn’t alone

I wasn’t cold

Now I am whole

Now I have life

Now I have love

We walk down that path

We call life

Together

Forever.

Title: So alone, until then...

I had nothing to live for

Nothing to give

I had nothing to dream for

Nothing to hold

My life before

Was empty and cold

My life before

Was nothing to behold

My life before

Was growing so cold

I could not hold on

I could not give

I just could not give

Now there was a detour

On the path of life

Now that detour

Has saved my life

I have something to live for

No, someone to hold

I have something to give

I have something to dream for

Now I have something to hold

My life now

Is not so empty and cold

My life now

Is something to behold

My life now

Is not growing so cold

Now I can hold on

Now I can give

Now I can always give

I can give my never ending love

To this person that I behold

I can dream of this person

That I long to hold

I can be with this person

That I can hold

I can walk this path

That is not empty or cold

I can walk this path

With the one I behold

I can live my life

Not so empty and cold

I have a dream

I have a life

I have a mate

I have all I could ever want

All I could ever want

With this person I hold

I have all I could ever need

In this person that I behold

Some rough song lyrics that I made up.

These lyrics that I made up come from my heart, and are inspired by the love that I feel for my mate, Fernin.

Side by side

You and I

You and I standing side by side

Basking in each others love

Side by side we shall be

All I long to be

Is with you

For eternity

Forever yours

Forever faithful

Forever a mate

Until time’s end

We shall be

Side by side

You and I

Choosing you over anything else in this world

Over fame

Over fortune

Over success

Over power

The love between us

Is all that matters

Just love

Is all that I care about

Just love

Is all that I long

Just being with you

Is all that will make me whole

Our souls forever entwined

Forever bound together

Just you and I

Standing there

Side by side

Just side by side.

I'm a good mood, you know why?

Well I am in an extremely good mood because, MY BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO COME DOWN FOR WINTER BREAK!!! WHHHHHOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, but I am just Über spazzed about that. Even though currently I am sick as hell (developed a cold...) I am in a extremely good mood.

Some lyrics that I like...

Well I recently downloaded a song by "As I lay Dying, The Darkest Nights" and I really, really, really like the lyrics. They just apply to my life in many ways.

For so long I have felt alone
Content to live with unrest
Longing faded into countless nights
That buried my weary heart
But You brought an end
To this dead hour
And meaning to a calloused life
Held in Your arms
But too far from my heart
These thoughts will carry me through
The darkest nights
While Your eyes rest in mine
I remember the way You looked at me
And the way You Drew me close
With one deep sigh
Scattering pieces of my restless mind
Forgetting all that we have left behind 

What defines a genius from a madman?

Well what does the general population think, what defines a genius from a madman? In my view, not much at all. All of the intelligent people who I have personally met, are on the edge of insanity (me included) throughout history, all of the people who have been deemed smart are people who think on the bleeding edge of what is right from wrong. It is those people who make a difference; it's those people who are willing to cross the social, political, religiously, and sometimes moral boundaries. They cross those boundaries without hesitation, and they see what is on the other side. After seeing what is on the other side, they put into action what they saw. More or less, it works, and sometimes it does not.

When that day comes...

When that day comes, the day that I depart from being a teenager, to becoming a full fledged adult, I will be ready for it. As that day of passing creeps closer, I am not standing alone. I have someone who I trust, who I love, and who I want to be with from that day forward. Every single moment that I think about my mate, I find myself again ever more longing to be with him. I know when we meet the first time in person, I know that the relationship will work; I am 99.99999% sure about it. When he first steps foot into this house of mine, it will be a new beginning for him and I, it will be a new start for the both of us. From that moment on, that will be the beginning of a new chapter of our lives, and a start of a novel of our lives, yet to be written.

As soon as I leave my house to go live out my days with my boyfriend, and as soon as we together step into the house or apartment that we have at that time. That will be the happiest moment of my life for many, many, many years to come.

Picture time!!

Well I decided to post some pictures of me from back then (when I was 9 years old) to now (17 years old). So here ya go!

Pretty drastic change huh?

Sleep is hard to come by...

This mythical beast that we call "sleep" proves itself extremely elusive to me tonight. I sit here on top of my bed, covered in my blankets, along with a shirt, shorts, and socks. Blankly staring at my ceiling, watching the somehow hypnotic, mind numbing ceiling fan of mine turn about. As I sit here thinking about nothing, a thought finally comes into mind. That thought was how much I want an Xbox 360, and what game I would get for it. There is one thing that I want more than anything else in the world though, that thing (well a person in this case) would be my boyfriend, Fernin. Even though I have said this before, I want nothing more than just to be with him, to spend my time with him, and to spend my life with him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, and how much I love him. Even as I sit here on my bed 1200 miles away from him, and not having even met him in person yet. I know that I truly love him; there is a bond that I feel so deeply, a bond that has every fiber of my heart and soul wanting to be with him. To others who doubt that our relationship will still be the same after we meet in real life, those people are so very wrong. I know that we are meant to be together, I know 150% that I want to spend my life with him, and I know that once I take my shot at that one chance in life to get it right, I will hit that seemingly invisible target of life. He will be there by my side every single step of the way, as I will be his side every step of the way too. Already I find my very fibers of my heart and soul entwined with his, already I find myself wanting more and more to be with him. It annoys me that I can't just drive over there and pick him up and bring him into my life. I am pretty damn sure that he wants that too, but I just don’t have the resources to do that right now.


Sorry if I seem that I am just rambling on and on, but as I try to put how much I long to be with my boyfriend into words, the words just keep flowing and flowing, in an unstoppable torrent of words. As I sit here, I fail to find words to try and forum how much I love this other soul.

Something extremely cool

I found this website that helps you find stuff that you like to listen too, me for instance. I tend to listen to anything dark and grungey with a good beat, you too can listen to what I listen to by clicking here

http://www.pandora.com/?sc=sh1899964 its just extremely cool. Best of all, ITS FREE!

Why is boredom so terrible?

I sit here in front of my computer bored as hell with nothing to do. I generally like the weekends and such, but they are just sooo boring with nothing to do besides sit in front of my computer talking to my boyfriend. That is another thing that gets me down too, just being so far away from him, it’s extremely annoying, and depressing. I just want to be with him, the love of my life. Even if it was just sitting together watching TV or any other activity, with him those activities would be infinitely better. Heck, writing this blog would be better in untold amounts with him sitting on my bed behind me, just chilling there. Basically what I am trying to say is, that he is the only person that would make me whole in life, he is the only person that I know would stand beside me when I need him the most, and he is the only person that I want to spend my wakening hours with. If he was here, sitting behind me right now, within arms reach. That would make life for me better on so many ways, ways that words cannot to me justice.

If you had one shot to get it right…

If you had one shot to get everything that you wanted and needed in life, would you take it? This one shot defining the way you live out the rest of your days, this one shot that could either make it all or take it all away. I find myself in this particular situation, I see that one shot that I could take, that one target that I have been setting up to hit all of my life. Yet I hesitate to take that shot now, I hesitate because I am afraid, I am afraid to take that huge gamble with my life. It is a gamble that I am not willing to take right at this moment, but anytime soon I will be. I sit there with the gun we call life, and the bullet I call my life, aiming at the target that is my goal in life. I sit there on that shooting bench, my heart racing to an ever increasing rate, my aim turns unsteady, my respiration rapidly increases. Yet there is someone beside me to help me though that one shot that I have, that person would be my boyfriend, and my mate in life. He sits beside me, as I sat beside him along the rough times of his life. As he went through this tough time of his life, I was standing right there beside him, a never failing companion, and mate.

We find ourselves both in the same situation, the situation where we both have one shot to get it right, and we both sit side by side, our rifles at the ready, aiming at our goals which happens to be the same exact target. Yet we both hesitate, we both hesitate because our aim is not steady, our hands slick with sweat, our muscles shaking unwillingly, making our aim untrue. So we take a break form this immense task that lies before us, and spend our time together, reassuring ourselves that we can both take this one shot at life. I know that me and him are ready to take this shot soon, but deep in my heart I am scared, and I am pretty sure that he is scared too. If we are together, we can both conquer this huge wall of fear that lies before us together.

Rage against someone with out meeting them? I’m very close to it...

Well, as I learn about what happened over at my boyfriends place. It just continues to fill me with disgust and rage; it sickens me to think that someone would actually have the nerve to judge me without even meeting me. I MEAN COME THE FU*K ON! IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE THAT IGNORANT AND CLOSED THEY DO NOT EVEN DESERVE MY TIME! If one is going to make accusations against me, at least HAVE YOUR FACT STRIGHT! If someone has that much distaste for me, at least talk to me so I can see what your disagreement with me is!

I’m sorry but I am just so pissed off at myself for not being able to be there for him when he needs it the most. All I can do is just sit here 1200+ miles away, pushing little keys to tell him how I cannot help him at the moment. IT DRIVES ME INSANE! I am almost to the point where I will go over there and get him myself on my own two feet. I would not care how long it would take me; I would get there eventually and just take him back along with me. Just right now I am filled with so many emotions at once it is hard what to think right now, I feel helpless because I can’t help the person I love so dearly, I feel angry because of what other people think of me, and I feel an intense love for him. He is just so close, yet so far. It drives me to the brink of insanity.

I do know that he can hold on for a little longer, at least until spring break. Even though I am not there personally to experience what he is going through, I feel it in a different way. Whenever something bad goes on over at his place 1200 miles away, I feel a strange feeling on the back of my neck and I get all depressed. That is basically what I am feeling now, I know something is happening over there, but there is no way for me to tell what is going on. It is impossible for me not to care about him, and what is going on. Not when he is the thing I treasure most in life, not when he is the very soul that drives me on, not when he is the one and only person that I long to be with until my dying day.

Some rap that I actually like (a rare thing indeed)

Well, today I came across some rap that I actually like. It's done my Eminem, and there are two song's of his that I like in particular. "Like Toy Soldiers" and "Mosh", what makes me like those two songs is what he talks about in the songs. He almost nails everything that is wrong in this society and government today. Basically you have to read the lyrics for yourselves, so here they are.

"Like Toy Soldiers"

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down...

[Chorus]
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

[Verse 1]
I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it
Even if it means goin' toe to toe with a Benzino it don't matter
I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to
I'm supposed to set an example
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em
If some shit ever just pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em
That Ja shit I tried to squash it, it was too late to stop it
There's a certain line you just don't cross and he crossed it
I heard him say Hailie's name on a song and I just lost it
It was crazy, this shit be way beyond some Jay-z and Nas shit
And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
This ain't what I'm in hip-hop for, it's not why I got in it
That was never my object for someone to get killed
Why would I wanna destroy something I help build
It wasn't my intentions, my intentions was good
I went through my whole career without ever mentionin' Suge
Now it's just out of respect for not runnin' my mouth
And talkin' about something that I knew nothing about
Plus Dre told me stay out, this just wasn't my beef
So I did, I just fell back, watched and gritted my teeth
While he's all over t.v. down talkin' a man who literally saved my life
Like fuck it i understand this is business
And this shit just isn't none of my business
But still knowin' this shit could pop off at any minute cuz

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
There used to be a time when you could just say a rhyme
And wouldn't have to worry about one of your people dyin'
But now it's elevated cuz once you put someone's kids in it
The shit gets escalated, it ain't just words no more is it?
It's a different ball game, callin' names and you ain't just rappin'
We actually tried to stop the 50 and Ja beef from happenin'
Me and Dre had sat with him, kicked it and had a chat with him
And asked him not to start it he wasn't gonna go after him
Until Ja started yappin' in magazines how we stabbed him
Fuck it 50 smash 'em, mash 'em and let him have it
Meanwhile my attention is pullin' in other directions
Some receptionist at The Source who answers phones at his desk
Has an erection for me and thinks that I'll be his ressurection
Tries to blow the dust off his mic and make a new record
But now he's fucked the game up cuz one of the ways I came up
Was through that publication the same one that made me famous
Now the owner of it has got a grudge against me for nothin'
Well fuck it, that motherfucker can get it too, fuck him then
But I'm so busy being pissed off I don't stop to think
That we just inherited 50's beef with Murder Inc.
And he's inherited mine which is fine ain't like either of us mind
We still have soldiers that's on the front line
That's willing to die for us as soon as we give the orders
Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us
We'll maybe shout 'em out in a rap or up in a chorus
To show them we love 'em back and let 'em know how important it is
To have Runyan Avenue, soldiers up in our corners
Their loyalty to us is worth more than any award is
But I ain't tryna have none of my people hurt and murdered
It ain't worth it, I can't think of a perfecter way to word it
Then to just say that I love ya'll too much to see the verdict
I'll walk away from it all before I let it go any further
But don't get it twisted, it's not a plea that I'm coppin'
I'm just willin' to be the bigger man
If ya'll can quit poppin' off at your jaws with the knockin'
Cuz frankly I'm sick of talkin'
I'm not gonna let someone elses coffin rest on my conscience cuz

"Mosh"

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic for which it stands
One nation under God
Indivisible...
It feels so good to be back..

I scrutinize every word, memorize every line
I spit it once, refuel and re-energize and rewind
I give sight to the blind, my insight through the mind
I exercise my right to express when I feel it's time
It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as
I say to fight, you take it as I'mma whip someone's ass
If you don't understand, don't even bother to ask
A father who has grown up with a fatherless past
Who has blown up now to rap phenomenon that has
Or at least shows no difficulty multi-task
And in juggling both perhaps mastered his craft
Slash entrepreneur who has helped launch a few more rap acts
Who's had a few obstacles thrown his way through the last half
Of his career typical manure moving past that
Mr. kisses ass crack, he's a class act
Rubber band man, yea he just snaps back

[Chorus:]
Come along follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength
Come with me and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
To the light at the end of the tunnel
We gonna fight, we gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march
Through the swamp, we gonna mosh through the marsh
Take us right through the doors (c'mon)

All the people up top on the side and the middle
Come together lets all bomb and swamp just a little
Just let it gradually build from the front to the back
All you can see is a sea of people some white and some black
Don't matter what color, all that matters we gathered together
To celebrate for the same cause don't matter the weather
If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us they can't, we stronger now more than ever
They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know
Stomp, push, shove, mush, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home (c'mon)

[Chorus]

Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us
Mosh pits outside the oval office
Someone's tryina tell us something,
Maybe this is god just sayin' we're responsible
For this monster, this coward,
That we have empowered
This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin'
How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists
Now this is our final hour
Let me be the voice in your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply by six...
Teen million people, Are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach alqueda through my speech
Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal
If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes its all lies
The stars and stripes, they've been swiped, washed out and wiped
And replaced with his own face, Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you know why,
Cause I told you to fight.

[Chorus]

And as we proceed,
To Mosh through this desert storm,
In these closing statements, if they should argue
Let us beg to differ
As we set aside our differences
And assemble our own army
To disarm this Weapon of Mass Destruction
That we call our President, for the present
And Mosh for the future of our next generation
To speak and be heard
Mr. President, Mr. Senator
Do you guy's hear us...hear us...[laughing] (Hailie)

Just the way he raps this too is what hooks me on them too. Again, this is rap that I actually like which is a very, very, very rare thing indeed...

An amuseing stereotype today...

Well, another peer in my class today asked if I was in a gang or something similar because I wear all black all of the time. After she asked that I was sitting there staring at her and replied "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?! Even though I wear all black, that should not imply that I am in a gang!" I was a little upset at the comment that she made, but it was just extremely amusing none the less. It just surprises me at the typical stereotype that Goths come across, like "Goths are santanical worshipers!" or "They think weird". Well one can totally dismiss the first stereotype because that is just total bullshit, the second one on the other hand though is totally true. That is why I declared myself Goth in the first place, Goths are not afraid at all to talk about "taboo" things in this world. Along with being not afraid to open up to their own kind.

My boyfriend pointed me towards this wonderful site called goth.net
so if you are wondering what Goth is, just venture over to that side and you will be enlightened about the Goth lifestyle.

Its Halloween! YAY!

Alas, this fabulous day has come!! Halloween has to be the absolute best holiday ever. What other day would you be welcome to dress up and go to strangers houses threatening to play a trick on them if you don’t give them a treat?

Here is something a little on the random side too, what would top Halloween would be a whole new type of holiday. HalloChristmas, Halloween+Chistmas put together. That would be extremely awesome because you get to dress up, get candy, and afterwards you would get presents! That to me would be the end-all-be-all of holidays there.

Well, later to all who read my blog... IM GOING TRICK-OR-TREATIN!! WHOO HOOOOOOOOO *runs off on caffeine high, soon to be on a sugar high*

Edit: Well due to some shathead that decided to spam this one post, I put it back to the post varifaction thing. I know its a pain in the ass, but natrually some pimple on societys ass had to go and ruin it. So to those who have a ligit comment, please take the time to post and just do not waste my time with the dribble we call "spam".

A tribute to a great American, Rosa Parks.

Rosa Parks is another one of the few people that I actually admire, I admire Rosa Parks for the absolutely huge movement that she had a major hand in. It is just sad to see a great American like Rosa Parks to pass on, what she did in my view is an act of a true American. She fought for her equality, and equality among others. Although it was not for homosexual rights, it still has the same significant impact on our life’s, and other life’s to come into this land we call America.

I give my thoughts to Rosa Parks to rest in peace until times end, and the movement that she instigated will never be forgotten, and shall never go away in peoples hearts for years to come.

This all seems like a dream right now...

Now that I know that Fernin (boyfriends nickname) loves me. I feel exactly the same way about him too, I know that we were meant to be together in life for years to come. Ever since I started talking to him I sensed something in between us that I never felt with my ex-girlfriend. Ever since that I started talking to him my life has improved dramatically, but not at the same time. Thanks to the internet for helping me on my way to find this, this other soul that I love so dearly. If I tried to put into words how I felt about him, how much passion I have for him, how much I long to hold him in my arms to assure myself that this is no dream, and just to be with him. That would just be the tip of the iceberg of how I felt, as I sit here in front of my computer tiring to put into words how I feel for him, it just defies words. Basically these 4 short words can sum it all up. Fernin I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul, you are the only thing that I treasure in life, and nothing, nothing at all can or will take us apart. That I will stand true to you until I pass on. There will never be a reason why I would part with you, and I long to be with you it hurts, it almost brings me to tears.

I know that you have not seen me this emotional at all, but I just cannot help it. Again I will say that I love you Fernin. And those 4 simple words come from the deepest part of my heart and soul... I love you.

This is not meant to make one cry, this is the only way I can even begin to say how I love Fernin so much.

Again, I love you Fernin.

I cant help myself...

Whenever I walk down the street and see someone in need, I can’t help myself to try and make a difference in that person’s life. Whether I give the person in need the change in my pocket or prevent them form doing something stupid in their lives. I just can’t help myself to help others; it even surprises me at times. I am surprised at the fact that I am willing to help so much for little or nothing in return, but one would think I am a person that is easily taken advantage of, the person thinking that is extremely wrong though. I have noticed over the years that I have almost a "sixth sense" and that since being able to tell one who needs help the most. Luckily that sense proved itself earlier today, a friend very, very, very close and dear to me posted in his blog today that I was basically his saving grace. When I read that it almost moved me to tears, I was touched in the deepest levels in my heart and soul when I read that, I knew that me and him are meant to be together. Even now when I read that simple compotation of letters that we call "English" it still touches me in the deepest level than anything before. The feeling that I felt when I first read that was indescribable, it just defied words, it was just something that I have never felt before in my short life that I have lived so far.

Well I could go on about this, but I choose not to. I know that there are may more people out there in need of some type of help, but this case (well my boyfriends case) I helped him back on his feet, and I continue to have the absolute best relationship that I have ever, ever had in between another person and I. Deep in my heart and soul I know that him and I are meant to be together and nothing will keep us apart, nothing at all...

Is it stupid day all week long? Sheesh...

Well ever since I started my duties of being a TA (Teachers Aid) to the main computer tech at school, it seems that there is a never-ending barrage of computers with problems. Or teachers with questions, its just slightly annoying (I know all of you tech-support guys know what I am talking about) the job, well in my case period is fun and all, but sometimes it just wears thin on one's nerves because your running around the whole friggin school campus either resurrecting a dead computer, laptop, printer, or fixing just a stupid mistake. It just gets a little tiring, don’t get me wrong though. I love what I do, and ill try my best to fix whatever computer problem that is presented to me within a timely manner, but when you have literally a pile of Dell optiplex's stacked 10 units high. It seems like a never-ending task of either re-ghosting (reformatting) re-installing various drivers, or just replacing a worn out fan.

Well so far its going good.

Well so far, life is going good for me, well sort-of. I know it’s going good because I most likely have a job at best buy now (in the gaming department) and the possibility of my "significant other" moving in with me. The only thing that is keeping me down is the possibility of my parents totally shafting that plan, me and well, my boyfriend. (Yes, I said boyfriend. If you did not know I am homosexual) are alike on so many levels its almost scary, and we almost think alike too. Its like someone made a clone of me and someone made a clone of him and we just met each other by fate. I feel extremely good about this relationship because we just connect on so many levels, and in so many ways too (plus he is a furry, as am I) even makes the relationship all that much better. When I talk to him either on yahoo, or over the phone I feel something between us that I never felt with my ex-girlfriend. That feeling I know will drive us to have a great relationship for years to come (I really, really, really hope it does, really hope...) and I know that I want him in my life, and hopefully he wants me in his too.

WHOO HOO IT WENT GREAT!

Whish me luck!!

Wow, this has been the week for me...

It seems that this past week has gone without any major incident *knocks on wood for good luck* I am just grateful and glad that this little peice of forurtine has fallen upon me. I am going to keep this one short because the little bust of energy that powered me has finally lasped.

On another note though, I really, really, really hope that I can nail this job at bestbuy.

Well whoever is reading this, whish me luck please!

INTERVIEW AT BEST BUY!

Wow! first AudioBlog Weee!

The Countdown begins...

The countdown begins to my brithday (October 11th). 1 !! more days untill my 17th birthday, and one more year until the best kind of freedom too.

Note: Ill update the date as the hours dwindle away ^^

WHOO HOO (I lost track on how many left) HOURS LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The unfortunate SSDD (Same Sh!t Different Day) syndrome

Unfortunately nothing has come up in the past few days, well if you could count me being called "Dr. Frankenstein" at school now. That is a new thing that came up, the reason why I have that nickname now is because I took 2 non-working laptops and made one working laptop, without any knowledge on what the hell I was doing. To my luck though dell had a diagram on how to take apart their laptops, and after taking a look at that it was child’s play for me now.

Inspired

I was inspired by the latest disturbed cd (10,000) fists and I decided to make this little peice of artwork with a red ballpoint pen (2 actually, the first one ran out of ink)

Take a look and tell me what you think.

I cannot help but grin....

As my birthday creeps closer and closer, I realize that I have changed in so many ways. I used to be the innocent little child that kept to himself in the corner, but now I have mutated into this beast that demands attention. I have become the beast that I thought I would never become, and I am a beast that does have the bark and the bite to defend himself and others.

What surprises most people is that I am willing to bear my fangs for the people that do not have the ability to do so. Along with my fangs becoming sharper and sharper, and my bark becoming more and more fierce, that it even surprises me at times. So I cannot help but grin a demonic grin, and look back at the fragile little child that I used to be. Along with grinning at the challenges that I will face later in life. I may be still a child on the outside, but my mind is vast and broad, but there are minds even grater than mine. I still have not come across one person that thinks like I do, or acts like I do, I have though come across one that is extremely close to my mindset.

So now I am the kid who does sit in the corner, but I am a kid that is not alone in that corner. As I sit in that corner, I have friends that will sit there with me, and another person that can see things from my point of view.

The sleepless night...

I sit here in front of my laptop; trying to get a grip of the elusive beast we call "sleep". Yet I frighten off that beast with an even bigger one called "caffeine". I welcome the bigger beast named "caffeine" into my life because it is my friend; I use caffeine to chase away an even bigger nuisance that we have dubbed "migraine". Migraine is a relentless beast, causing pain and suffering without remorse. Yet caffeine chases away this monster full-heartedly and effectively. How it chases away this beast is very simple, it dailies the blood vessels inside of my brain letting more blood flow into my brain. But caffeine does not come without its downfalls; it makes one exited, jittery, and unable to think. When caffeine is with me, it generally helps me, but I sometimes stay around it too long, making me a totally different person than who I truly am. And right now, caffeine is doing a very effective job of fighting off the smaller beast we call "sleep".

(thank god its the weekend)

*Sigh*...

I keep all of my sorrow inside,
Waiting for it to consume me,
I try to hide it,
But the beast inside me has eaten through the shell,
Leaving me exposed,
Leaving me vulnerable,
Leaving me lost,
I try to overcome the beast inside me,
And sometimes I lose,
Today was one of those days.

The reason why I wrote that short little, depressing poem is because I had an extremely hard weekend. I had to put down one of my pets, and it just hit me harder than I thought it would. I thought that I could put it past me without a problem, but it turns out that I cant. I know eventually the depression will pass, but not without triggers to the happy and sad moments of the pets life that I shared with him.

Wow, that is a day I will not forget...

Yesterday (the 8th) was quite possibly the best day in my life; it was the very first time that I went to Santa Cruz Boardwalk. I loved every minute of it; I had friends, food, drinks (not alcohol) and fun. And generally it was just a friggin blast, ill see this upcoming weekend if I can get the pictures developed, so I can post some up here for ya guys.

Well goodbye from one sore, and happy snow leopard, Owens.

The Hatred

The hatred that fuels my blood is overflowing within my body, that hatred that I feel is amplified by the people who “discriminate” or “separate” people based on their religion, sexuality, or race. When I see acts of violence against the people of a “different” walk of life, it makes my blood boil with anger, and me wanting to totally smash the person who is discriminating against the victim. Unfortunately though, that would be against the law so I hold myself back and save the anger and hatred for later use. The hatred and anger is one of the reasons that I write my blog, it is a way to vent out my anger and hatred, and it is a way to get my voice heard. I am generally not a violent person, but when people are so narrow mined like most people are. It wakes up a side of me, which has some parts that I do not even know of yet, but for the better of me and other people. I just resort to using my voice, and I use the anger and hatred against stereotypes to fuel my voice, and to bring to light the hardships that the minorities go through everyday of their lives. I am not afraid to use my voice for myself, my friends, and others. I have no reason to be afraid, I am just using my voice, and I posses a voice that can, and will be heard, whether people like it or not. My voice will be heard by all.

Just Imagine...

I look at the world today and I see people fighting and dying for all types of worthless crap. Like the Iraqis fighting for "Allah", or gangsters fighting for their "territory", or various people killing in the name of "god". I take a look at it all and say why? Why fight for an unjust cause? Why fight for someone who most likely does not even exist? I would like to see these people just to try to imagine a place where there is no "god", no "devil", or "heaven", or "hell". Along with imagining that there are no "countries" or "territories", just living should be enough for people. But like most of them, they go and fight for their "god" figures, or fight for their "territory", or fight for their "ideas" on life. I just do not really see the point at all why they even do fight against each other, is it for "peace", is it for "equality", or is it for "acceptance"?. I have not seen anyone stand up and say "why"? Yet. But that changes today. (At least from what I see). I am one of those people who will stand up and say "why"? I am one of those people who will ask the questions, I am one of those people who seek the answer, among with countless others.

I never back down.

When I make a promise, I will do my best to see that through. When I say I will stand by a friend’s side, I will do it. I am not a person that will never back down, whatever the circumstances, I never ever back down. I never make empty promises; I do not do things "half-assed". When I do things I see them thru, and I will never give up. I will never leave my friends side if I said I would be there for him, throughout thick and thin I will be standing there beside him. I am willing to stand up for him, I am willing to protect him, I am willing to use my voice for him and others, and I am willing to face the consequences for standing by my friends side. I do not care though; it is in my nature to never leave, to never make empty promises. I am not afraid to stand and face my greatest fears or my friend’s greatest fears, I am just not afraid.


This blog has been inspired by the music I listen to (current favorite group, "As I lay Dying" favorite songs, "94 Hours", "The Beginning" and "Elegy"), and it is my nature, and part of my personality to help friends in need, and to be there when they need someone to be there the most. It does not matter if they are 2 inches away or 2,000 miles away, I will try my best to be there, and I will do my best to see whatever I say through.

The product

Well I felt that I should show people the first product that I have made in art class, I know it is not much, and it is a nametag. But it is not your normal nametag..... just take a look for yourself.

(just to let you know, that is not blood, it is red ink, I am not a masochist, just crazy)

It turns out.

It turns out that this school year is going to be quite possibly the most kick ass year I have ever had, I got all of the classes I want and I get to see my friends again. Plus being a teachers aid is a blessing in disguise (it is even better that I am the computer tech's aid) I get to do things I actually like, for instance I can actually go around the campus and fix computers, and help students. My art class is going to be kick ass also; I just really, really want to expand my art skills so I can express my views in picture form, or putting an idea in my head onto paper to never be forgotten. I have had art in my previous years, but I put absolutely no effort into it (I was a different person back then) but now I want to put effort into it, I want to become an individual, and I want my voice to be heard.

But overall I have a really, really good feeling about this year, and I am going to try my hardest to walk across that stage at graduation and continue on the unknown path that my life has set for me.

The Last 48 Hours of Freedom...

Well, today I am going to take a slight turn away from the "style" of my writing because as I am writing this, my last hours of freedom are dwindling away (I go back to school on the 31st) so I am enjoying the freedom while I can. So bring food! Bring Beer! Bring Friends! and PARTY HARD!!!!! *Cranks Andrew W.K, Party Hard*

(Just to let you know it is not wise to drink a whole 2 liter bottle of RC Cola, along with a 23.4 oz can of Jolt Cola.....)

*Being really hyper, I run around like a drunken idiot with ADHD*

Well, come and join the party!!! Dont just sit there!!!

Later all, Owens

Accusations? BULLSH!T !!!

Last night (Thursday) I turn on the T.V. to come across the show "Larry King Live", generally I do not watch the show, but something caught my attention this time. It was a live interview with Lance Armstrong (one of the people who I greatly admire), so I sit there for a while watching this interview because I like Lance. A few minutes into the interview I lean that a French newspaper is accusing Lance of "doping" in the 1999 Tour De France (however it is spelled), as soon as I learned that I had to call bullsh!t on that. Why would Lance Armstrong (quite possibly the strongest willed man alive today) even be a target of that accusation? I can tell you why, it is the French people hating him because he has won the Tour 7 times in a row (personally I do not have anything against the French, but I still despise them). I think that Lance is a victim of jealousy, because the French themselves do not have a single "strong willed" man in their population (again I do not have anything against the French). This is the type of thing that really pushes my buttons; the French are just whining because an "American" was better than them in their own "Tour De France". One of the reason's why I stand by Lance's side is because I know that he would not subject himself to this type of stuff, and another reason I stand by his side is because he has an seemingly endless amount of determination and willpower, and that is something that I admire. So again I say BULLSH!T, the people in France are just tired of being beaten at their own game on there own turf, so they decided to start up a political "flame war" with lance's cycling carrier and life.


I do not whish to start a "flame war" on this topic, but this is just something that really, really, pushes my buttons. Again though, I stand by Lance's side 100% .

This school year...

I think that this school year will be extremely different for me. The reason why I say that is because; I am a totally different person than before. I actually look at things from a really, really different point of view now. It is just that, I have a feeling that this year will be "interesting" for me. It may be in a bad way or a good way, who knows. Only time will tell, but I have a feeling that it will lean toward the good side (at least I hope so). Ever since I have gotten socially involved into the furry community, my views on the world have been changed dramatically. The ways that my views on the world have changed are way too many to list here, some are subtle, and some are really extravagant. But as I said, this year will be different form the past years.

Again the feeling...

I find myself yet again having this "funny" feeling in the pit of my stomach. For some strange reason, I have a hunch that something is going to drastically change somewhere at sometime. It may only affect me, or it might affect the world as a whole, or it just could be the 2 bottles of jolt I drank acting up. But just some aspect of it feels strange, like the hair on the back of my neck is almost on end, but I do not know why. Just I hope that whatever is changing in my life, or another person’s life is for the better.

Thoughts...

As I become more and more involved into the furry fandom, I realize how discriminated homosexuals are. It just sickens me that our "government" currently is full of anti-homosexual pricks, along with being narrow minded too. They do not realize that there is more to marriage than the typical "man and women" relationships. There are men and women out there that are attracted to the same sex, and you know what? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! If two men or women want to marry each other, LET THEM MARRY! Homosexuals should have every right as a straight man or women, homosexuals are people too (or in my case furry's) and they too are born with the god-given rights that the founding fathers of this land we call the U.S.A gave us.

So, if you want to join the fight to smash the "ban-hammer" that our "government" has put on homosexuals, go to this site http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/millionformarriageac , sign the petition, and made your voice be heard! Every person is born with a voice, along with the ability to use that voice. Some may not be able to be as loud as other individuals, but in numbers anything is possible. So get out there, use your voice, and make yourself heard.

I guess the main reason that I am doing this is because, that I am coming to terms that myself, I am homosexual.

Again, I am abnormal, I am an individual, and I have a voice.

The admitance

I finally admit that I am bisexual, but leaning more towards the homosexual side at the moment. It is just that I am attracted to some males, and some females, but at the moment I am more attracted to males. And to those who think homosexuality is "taboo" it's not! I mean why separate a person into a group where they are socially, politically, and just generally hated? There is no need for that crap! To those who think that homosexuals should be segregated from the general public, you should be ashamed of yourself! Just because they don’t like the opposite sex does not mean you have the right to publicly humiliate them, people like that just make me sick. They do not deserve to represent "humanity" people who discriminate against homosexuals are sub-human. It may be 'taboo" in the bible, but WHO CARES! I sure as hell don’t. That does not mean that you should shove it in their face. If they are attracted to the same sex LET THEM BE! And for the record I am HOMOSEXUAL! So if you have a problem with that I DO NOT CARE! Try to shove it in my face that it is "wrong" and that it is "sinful" I just DONT CARE! I have never practiced faith and I never will. And that subject will be for another day.

Well I am tired and I want to go to bed, feel welcome to flame me, to shun me to the deepest depts. But just remember, I am not your average 16 year old (turning 17 in October) and I do have a voice and I WILL USE IT, wither you, the person next to you, or the person on the opposite side of the world does not like it. I WILL STILL USE IT!

Well to all good night, later all.

Regards, Owens.

The Rage...

Lately, I have been finding myself on the brink of going into a rage, but for what reason? Hell if I knew. It is just, that I have had the feeling of trashing everything in sight in my room. Yet I still keep it bottled up. Because I still need the stuff in my room because it is all that I have for now, if I had the opportunity to just go into a rage without any consequences and without hurting others. I would take that opportunity in a half of a heartbeat. I just feel that I need to vent all of my built up anger, and sadness. But I just need to find a way to do it safely.

With me, you cannot always judge me by what you see.

The Pain

The pain that life gives me empowers me. I use this pain to remind myself that I am an individual, and that I am an individual that has a fighting chance. The pain I feel pulsing throughout my body every day is what drives me, I know that I can eventually come to a point where pain is not a factor, but a benefit to me. The pain in life is what keeps people sane along with keeping them in their place, and it instills common sense to people who use it to their advantage. I see the pain of life is unbeatable, but I can use it to my advantage. I can use it to power my voice so it is not heard be few, but turn it into a voice that is heard by all.

Out of conrol? (who know's)

As I lie in my bed, my mind starts picking up speed. I start thinking about random things, like what I am going to do the next day, or what I am going to write on my blog. Just random crap, just for once I would like to get my mind under control, and have some peace of mind. I think it's a curse, yet a blessing that I have the mind that I possess. The reason I think it's a curse is that; I do not stop thinking about things once I have set my mind to it. Once I set my sights on something I need to do, I keep hammering away at it. Ill keep hammering at it until my hands bleed, even then Ill keep at it. The reason that I think it is a blessing is that I have an extreme amount of determination and willpower. If I am faced with a challenge that is out of my grasp, ill do all that I can to get to that goal, it is a power that I feel, the power to never back down, and the power to succeed.

Life is a bullet

As I stand here in the war-torn field we call life, I feel a bullet tear through my chest. The bullet ruthlessly making its way through my chest, tearing every fiber it comes across. As the bullet finishes its work, I start to fall toward the ground. As I fall towards the ground, I realize what all I have done, what I can still do. I finish my trip to the ground; I hit it hard with a sickening thud. I lay there looking up to the sky, wondering if I will survive the punishment that life has given me. I know that I will, because an unknown force drives me. It feels that an invisible force is pushing me so. As I sit there I find new strength and I get up off of the ground, covered with a deep tone of crimson. But I push on and fight, and live another day.

Peace? There is no such thing.

As I see it, true "world" peace will never be obtained. As long as humans walk this planet, there will be a disagreement, there will be a spot of violence, and there will always be a difference among the views of humans. And where there is a difference of views, there is violence, eventually leading up to war. After the war between the two groups of humans there is a very short period of peace, and then the whole process repeats itself. This process will be an unlimited cycle because there will always be a disagreement between humans one time or another.

The Truth

As I stand before a shattered mirror, my hand dripping with blood. I realize that the reality that I so desperately want is unreachable. This is what drives me so, almost to the point of insanity. Just knowing that I have the power to change the world, but not having the means to do so is maddening beyond the point of return. So, I stand in front of this broken mirror looking back at the distant, yet perfect world I crave so much.

Why does reality suck so much?

The reason why reality sucks is because it repeats itself infinitely; reality is the daily drudgery that we are dragged through kicking and screaming every day. That is why some people reject the current reality and substitute their own. This is one of the many reasons why I write, to create my own reality, just a place where everything seems perfect, a place that you would not have to worry about anything. But unfortunately the current reality has a firm grip on us for the remainder of our lifetimes.

The Human Mind

I use the human mind as my blank canvas to paint my world. I can make it as dark, blood spattered and gloomy as I want. Or I can make it as happy, bright, and care free as I want. The human mind has unlimited power, the choice though lies with the person who has the blank canvas for me to paint. I provide the detailed world for the person to imagine, but it is ultimately up to the person to create the world that I provide.

Im A Furry, so what?

After keeping this secret for the past 8 years, I have decided to go public with it. I declare, that I am a furry. You ask what the hell a furry is? Well let me fill you in. A furry is a person who likes to write, draw or role-play as animals that have human characteristics. Imagine a fox that walks on his hind legs (like a human), wears clothes (again like a human), and talks (like a human would). I feel that this is the only way that I can get things out of my head, I have been so afraid to tell my family this, but now I have decided to break that barrier. Now I do not care if my friends or family think I am strange, this is who I am, and I will always be like this no matter what people do or say. So if my friends, family, or future friends read this. Just accept who I am, and question it if you want. I am always up for a discussion.

Later, TxRx

Changes? mabey...

As I look back onto my life, I have noticed huge changes in my mentality. Back then I used to be extremely shy and closed to the world. Now I notice that I am extremely open and opinionated, I feel the need to express myself even grater than before, the need to prove my point much more than before. The most noticeable change in my mentality has occurred in the past few weeks. I am guessing that I am vying to be more independent, it seems that I am trying to prove myself. It just seems that I am trying to demonstrate that I can make my own decisions in my life, without the aid of my parents. Unfortunately though, I am bound under the law by being a minor. Even though I know it is for my own good, it is just really annoying at times.

The delema...

As I write this blog, I have come across a dilemma. What it is, I don’t know at the moment. It is just a feeling that I am being pushed to an unknown path. The unknown path is not what concerns me though, it is what is pushing me that I am mainly concerned about. It has been recently that I have been feeling these major shoves that push me into this unknown direction. I have been more and more creative and expressive. I just don’t know why and for what? It just seems that someone has flicked a switch in me, because I find myself liking it more and more.